The Story of My Path

Well, here goes... Flashback to the 1960's.

My experience started when I was young. I am a product of a marriage that should have never happened. My parents divorced when I was 8, and I wound up living with my father. I don't remember the first time or how it really started, but soon after the divorce, I was coerced into orally pleasuring my father. In return, I also received oral pleasure.

At first, he would say, "I can make you feel good", which eventually turned into "Let me make you feel good." And I am sure that everyone that has been molested remembers the hearing at one time or another, "Don't tell anyone. It's our little secret." I knew in my young mind that it was wrong, but I didn't know how to stop it. I eventually told my mother, but she didn't believe me. After enough times, I became a willing participant. By the time I was 9, I was an expert cock sucker. I was doing things that a married woman of the times wouldn’t do, or didn't know how to do.

My sexual activities and desire to have a close relationship with my father eventually created a turning point on my path to cross-dressing. It started when I found a pair of girls panties that my father used as a cum rag. I don't know or why, but when I found them, I felt compelled to try them on. They were stiff as a board with dried cum, but it felt like heaven when I slid them up my legs. They fit me perfectly. One night as I was servicing my father willingly, I pulled the panties out from where he hid them and put them on to show him. This created a new direction in an already warped relationship.

Before long, dresses, stocking, heels and other feminine attire were added. I eventually became a surrogate wife for sexual purposes. We slept in the same bed, and had sex almost every night. I wore panties and frilly nightgowns to bed. Although he never penetrated my anus, he would fuck me between my thighs as if I was a girl. Even though what he was doing was harmful mentally, by my 10th birthday I became addicted to the sex and loved the feeling of being a desirable girl. I didn’t have any attraction to men or boys when I wasn’t playing the part of a girl. And there is no reason in the world that a 10 year old (boy or girl) should know how or what it is to perform 69. It was so fucked up, because I started to enjoy the experience while it was happening, but felt guilt and shame afterwards because I was still a boy.

As the 70’s hit, I became a teenager, and my hormones were off the chart, masturbating by day and dressing up as girl and having sex at night. When guys had playground talk about girls, I kept my mouth shut out of fear that I might accidentally divulge something I was embarrassed about and become their sissy bitch. 

As I started getting older, I became more acutely aware of girls and women. I wanted to switch roles and be the one that fucked the cute girl. It didn’t help that I was awkward around girls. I’m not sure if my sexual activities produced that awkwardness, but I was a disaster with real girls and even felt threatened by them.

Eventually, I built up enough courage to threaten my father with exposing his activities of dressing me as a girl and pseudo fucking me. It was the first time I had power over him. Soon after, I went to live with my mother and her husband, and never allowed myself to be alone with him again, but the damage was done. I was free from the abuse, but the seed of desire to wear girl’s clothes had been planted. What I experienced was far more than cross-dressing, I was a femboy decades before the term even existed.

For the first time, I lived a normal life. There was no abuse, no forced sex, no dressing like a girl. I still had problems, but for once they were the same problems every other kid had. But in a fucked up way that only someone that has walked my path can understand, I missed getting my dick sucked several times a week.

I was still a failure with girls. I couldn’t talk with the good looking girls (imagine Blair from The Facts of Life). The other girl would talk with me, occasionally, but I never knew how to close the deal. I always felt out of place. It wasn’t until my senior year of high school that I had my first girlfriend.

Some time in my late teens, I felt a strong urge to cross-dress again. I started wearing some of my mother's clothes when no one was around. I began to experiment with makeup, but never perfected it. As soon as I pulled the panties up my legs, all those memories came flooding back in like a tidal wave. Being dressed wasn’t good enough. I wanted to be desired as a girl and give some lucky guy the best blowjob he ever had. No high school girl could have competed with me. I had 6 years of sucking cock on a daily basis under my belt. Even though I do not consider myself as gay or bisexual, when I am dressed as a woman, I want to fully be a woman. That was also the first time I ever wondered what it would feel like to receive anal penetration.

**As a side note, by that time I was in my 20's I was a gay magnet. I'm not into guys and I don't know what type of vibe I sent out, but I was propositioned by gay men all the time. I even went as far as to give it some serious consideration, just to know what it felt like to be penetrated, but AIDS came along and scared those thoughts right out of me. For those that do not know, AIDS was considered a virus that was only in the gay community when it was first discovered in the early 80’s. (not judging, just stating how it was widely reported in the news and gossip mill back then).

When I moved out of my mom’s house, I started buying my own clothes, which was a disaster. I'm sure every girl out there remembers buying something that was cute and taking it home to find out she bought a petite when she should have been shopping in the juniors section (lol). And I was always afraid that someone knew I was buying it for myself. There was no way I could buy anything where I lived, because someone I knew would see me. Back then, if you weren’t straight, you were a freak and rumors traveled fast. It was not uncommon for me to drive 50 miles or more to a place where nobody would know me. I eventually had quite a collection - dresses, skirts, blouses, panties, bras, garter belts, heels, lingerie, etc. I even bought tubes of silicone caulk to make my own breast forms (this was way before the days of the internet and knowledge of breast forms.) 

I eventually met a woman I liked. We got serious. And the purge begins. I threw out all my clothes, makeup, etc. Eventually we got married, and when the honeymoon wore off, I began dressing again in secret. My wife was fairly liberal, but I wasn’t sure that she would accept my dressing, let alone participating with me. Eventually we divorced, and I went back to my old ways of dressing for pleasure and sexual release. Like the saying goes, "wash, rinse, and repeat", I have 3 failed marriages under my belt. None of my wives knew anything about my extracurricular activities, but I am sure time devoted to my activities didn't help my relationships any. 

Over the years, I've spent thousands of dollars on clothes that I have purged. Some of the purge was out of fear of getting caught, some out of guilt, and some to hit the reset button on my hetero life.

I'm married once again. I've been married for close to 30 years this time. I and haven't dressed during my marriage. I have a good life, but every once in a while, I am tempted. I resist the temptation because I have too much to lose economically, socially, and professionally. I made a sacrifice for my wife and my kids, and being older makes it easy for me to make that sacrifice. No judgment, but I’d rather be a young desirable hottie, than an old queen. I’m just speaking for myself and how I feel about the path I tool. If someone made the transition late in life and they are happy, I am glad for you.

In retrospect, this is the 4th or 5th time that I have been a member since the early days when URNotAlone first started. I like to look at the ladies, and reminisce about my days of when... I love my wife and would never cheat on her with anyone else. I have done some sexual experimentation on my own, but that is it.

I do have some regrets, but they are regrets that I will have to remain on an unfulfilled bucker list. I regret that I never had my legs waxed (I’ve shaved way to many times). I regret I never had a mani-pedi at a professional salon (I used to used glue on nails). I regret that I never had my hair long enough to style and shape (I wore wigs, but it’s not the same). I regret that I never had a feminine makeover (I was never good applying makeup). I regret that I never had a real cock in my sissy hole (I used a dildo and took about 12”. Not the same feeling from what I’ve heard.) And my biggest regret was that I never became a woman (including bottom surgery.)

A couple months ago, I talked with my best friend that I have known for over 40 year. When we first became friends and I knew I could trust him, I confided it him about my past. He is a true best friend, as we both know stuff about each other that no one else knows. Every man and every woman needs a friend like that. During our conversation, we talked about skeletons that we had in the closet. I told him that If I were born in these times instead of 60 plus years ago, I would be a woman right now.

I know that the ladies still have setbacks and opposition, but it is nothing like it was in the 70's & 80's. There is more acceptance and more access to becoming who you desire than ever before. I'm not saying that it isn't hard; it's just not as hard as it used to be. Even though I am a man, my desire to have been a woman has never left me.

And for anyone that wants to point out that I can still become a woman, which is true. But I would never have the opportunity to be the woman I wanted to be.

If you are considering changing your life, seek counseling and make sure it is the correct path for you. You will lose more from your current life than the things you don’t like. It is an extreme rarity to make such a major decision without losing lifelong friends, family, financial resources, etc. You are not alone. There is no right or wrong answer. You need to be able to live with the decisions that you choose. I will be the first to tell you that it is not an easy path to navigate. I chose the path of least resistance. But that was my choice for me. Your path might be the same or completely different, but use any resource you can to make the best choice for you.

In closing, If I offended anyone, please accept my apology. My intention was not to offend, but to offer insight into my perspective, and to give hope to anyone that is struggling with their own dilemma. For I am man enough to be a man, but not man enough to be a woman.

Honeystick99